For me this is a tough topic and something tough to discuss. Like I have mentioned before I married very young and I married someone that was older than I was. I tried to be demanding, I tried to be tough. In the early years I tried to be everything except for what God had called me to be in my marriage. What made it worse is my wife was not the only one who saw these things. Our children saw how we were acting and the things that we were doing to each other. Things not out of love but out of ignorance to what it truly meant to be one with Christ Jesus. I am here to tell you even if you don’t think your children are paying attention to the fighting and arguing its not true. Even if you think in the back of your head somewhere that its none of their business; again, that is also not true.
I had a conversation with one of my children about someone they were dating and lots of things came to light. Things hit home that had never really taken light before. My child told me that “you and mom” argue so what’s the big deal if my partner and I argue all the time. I had to sit there and think to myself about the example that I had already set in my child’s life. It was not a good example and I regret the arguments that my children’s mother and I have had. Yes, we are still married and yes we love each other but we set a bad precedent. So, the next question is how do you move forward when you have already set such a horrible example in the eyes of your children?
There are many different things that you can do to move forward from the place that you are in right now. It doesn’t matter if you already have children or if they are on the way. If you have problems treating the mother of your children badly then you need to work on that relationship. For me divorce is never the answer. I don’t believe that if you loved someone enough to have children with them that you can give up on that relationship. I feel that you have to put just as much work as you put in to mess it up to fix it. By that I mean get counseling, spend more time praying for and with your spouse. For if you can build your spiritual relationship with them then your romantic relationship will be even stronger.
Scripture tells us that we must love our wive’s as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). I have felt like I have known what that has meant for a long time. However, the longer I have been married I find out that the love that I have to have for her has to grow all of the time. Christ shows me more and more ways about how he loved the church. He has shown me that not only did he die for the church he prepared the church for the things that were to come. He set the example for them to follow so that when times get hard the church would be more than prepared.
The way your children see you treat their mother will become learned behavior. For your daughters it will be things that they will expect from their husbands. For your sons it will become the road map that he tries to follow. Even if the children destroy the bad road map that has been placed in front of them their will be leftovers they have to deal with. I watched my father beat on my mother multiple times and even though I have never put my hands on my wife in a malicious way the thoughts cross my mind. It’s something that I have had to push myself to suppress because it was an example that was given to me.
We want our children to see the good things so that they can look back on their childhood and know that Dad loved Mom. That Dad would do anything for Mom. Mom should be the most important woman in your life so make sure your children know it. Make sure there is no doubt that mom is the one for you.
Yours In Christ,
A Christian Dad